Friends, no benefits and changing a lifestyle
According to Miller and Steinberg's Developmental Model, we tend to go from a stage where we are in surface level relationships to a state where we have involved higher end psychosocial attributes that have been achieved through complex renegotiations of a relationship. Having absorbed this model, I'm realizing this is where I've been dysfunctional in practically every relationship I have ever had.
Getting into a full blown relationship with a woman for me is almost an impossible task. I'm really good at getting a relationship started, but almost always it ends up in a deep friendship that ends up being somewhat frustrating for me over the long run. On the Montel Williams Show, Montel used to bring on his brother who had a philosophy that he had no desire for friendships with women, that the only thing he was seeking from women was a sexual relationship. People, including me, used to ridicule this approach because of its crass process of objectification. But one thing that used to fascinate me about his approach was that he was brutally honest about this. He never led anyone on into believing that he was being a friend in a completely altruistic manner. His goals were always on the table, and in a way that was kind of significant to his approach.
Things haven't really worked out for me. Almost all of my relations with women are as friendships. A woman I know, who is extremely critical of everything I do and not interested in me in any way, shape or form, offered some insight a few months back when she projected her belief that these friendships happen because the women in my life aren't really all that interested in me in the first place (kind of the "she's not that in to you" kind of argumentation). She was responding to my claim that I can't seem to ever have a relationship that isn't a friendship; she is quite blunt in the way she puts her projections forward.
So, is this really it? My original theory of it being my fault for allowing a potential relationship to "fall" into a friendship is completely incorrect, and the reality is that this is as good as it's ever going to get because the women who inhabit my life aren't that interested in me in the first place? I mean, I sometimes suspect this when I'm with a group of women who happen to be my "friends" and they're talking about some "hot" guy, who never happens to be me.
If this is the more applicable theory, then it explains a lot of things. I became very close to someone not too long ago, and it never went beyond friendship. She told me she wasn't really into a relationship at the time, but is that just a convenient form of stating, "sorry, Duane, it's just not going to be you"? I don't date that much, so I don't always have that good a reference base to figure out exactly what is going on, but it's starting to look more and more like that is quite possibly what has happened.
Which brings up another problem: Whenever I invest in one of these friendships, I've discovered that I put as much energy into them as I would do if I was dating. The energy input is identical, and secretly I think it's because I believe that if I put full attention on the relationship, somehow it's going to grow into something beyond friendship. But it never does. Instead, what I think is happening is the person I'm with in friendship gets EVERY benefit of actually dating me without ever having to date me. Why would someone change that relationship dynamic to something more intimate when it's not necessary?
So I am going to change things. Since moving to California, I've started to notice that the energy involved in maintaining these friendships in the first place has been pretty much on my side only, anyway. I'm also noticing that the women with whom I'm coming in contact here in California are becoming EXACTLY what I've been used to, the friendship variety that gets my full attention. It's not going to happen anymore.
Instead, I'm going to devote my energy to either writing or finding one person. If it turns to friendship, it remains there and I'm doing NOTHING to make it grow any further. It takes too much energy to continue these sorts of things, and I really don't feel the energy coming from the other side, so why continue to do what's really not working?
It may mean changing the very nature of how I handle past, present and future relationships, but too many people take me for granted. I've decided that if someone wants to pursue something further, I'm open to it, but sitting on the sidelines listening to someone's problems they're having with some other guy is no longer going to be a part of my lifestyle.
I really don't see any other choice.
Stumble It!
Getting into a full blown relationship with a woman for me is almost an impossible task. I'm really good at getting a relationship started, but almost always it ends up in a deep friendship that ends up being somewhat frustrating for me over the long run. On the Montel Williams Show, Montel used to bring on his brother who had a philosophy that he had no desire for friendships with women, that the only thing he was seeking from women was a sexual relationship. People, including me, used to ridicule this approach because of its crass process of objectification. But one thing that used to fascinate me about his approach was that he was brutally honest about this. He never led anyone on into believing that he was being a friend in a completely altruistic manner. His goals were always on the table, and in a way that was kind of significant to his approach.
Things haven't really worked out for me. Almost all of my relations with women are as friendships. A woman I know, who is extremely critical of everything I do and not interested in me in any way, shape or form, offered some insight a few months back when she projected her belief that these friendships happen because the women in my life aren't really all that interested in me in the first place (kind of the "she's not that in to you" kind of argumentation). She was responding to my claim that I can't seem to ever have a relationship that isn't a friendship; she is quite blunt in the way she puts her projections forward.
So, is this really it? My original theory of it being my fault for allowing a potential relationship to "fall" into a friendship is completely incorrect, and the reality is that this is as good as it's ever going to get because the women who inhabit my life aren't that interested in me in the first place? I mean, I sometimes suspect this when I'm with a group of women who happen to be my "friends" and they're talking about some "hot" guy, who never happens to be me.
If this is the more applicable theory, then it explains a lot of things. I became very close to someone not too long ago, and it never went beyond friendship. She told me she wasn't really into a relationship at the time, but is that just a convenient form of stating, "sorry, Duane, it's just not going to be you"? I don't date that much, so I don't always have that good a reference base to figure out exactly what is going on, but it's starting to look more and more like that is quite possibly what has happened.
Which brings up another problem: Whenever I invest in one of these friendships, I've discovered that I put as much energy into them as I would do if I was dating. The energy input is identical, and secretly I think it's because I believe that if I put full attention on the relationship, somehow it's going to grow into something beyond friendship. But it never does. Instead, what I think is happening is the person I'm with in friendship gets EVERY benefit of actually dating me without ever having to date me. Why would someone change that relationship dynamic to something more intimate when it's not necessary?
So I am going to change things. Since moving to California, I've started to notice that the energy involved in maintaining these friendships in the first place has been pretty much on my side only, anyway. I'm also noticing that the women with whom I'm coming in contact here in California are becoming EXACTLY what I've been used to, the friendship variety that gets my full attention. It's not going to happen anymore.
Instead, I'm going to devote my energy to either writing or finding one person. If it turns to friendship, it remains there and I'm doing NOTHING to make it grow any further. It takes too much energy to continue these sorts of things, and I really don't feel the energy coming from the other side, so why continue to do what's really not working?
It may mean changing the very nature of how I handle past, present and future relationships, but too many people take me for granted. I've decided that if someone wants to pursue something further, I'm open to it, but sitting on the sidelines listening to someone's problems they're having with some other guy is no longer going to be a part of my lifestyle.
I really don't see any other choice.
Stumble It!
posted by Duane @ 8:00 AM
1 Comments:
At 3:55 PM,
Aufbau Ost said…
From the perspective of someone who isn't really into relationships at the moment: why are you so "desperate" to get into a relationship and get into one very quickly? I know this may seem an odd question, since it seems normal to look for that special someone. But I've always had the feeling that if someone's trying really hard (desperately) to find a relationship, it makes more of "being in the relationship" than there is to relationships. But then again - I may be at odds here not longing for a relationship.
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