Musings on my first days in Seoul, South Korea

Day 1: As I stepped off the airplane with my native guide Mubutoo, I watched these very interesting people who call themselves "Ko-ree-yans" mingle around me in curiosity. Having met them for the first time, I can only assume their reactions to me happen to be curiosity, but what else can you describe about a people who appear to be pretending to ignore me completely as they talk on these mobile transmitter devices to each other, obviously not wanting to make eye contact. I attempted to engage in direct eye contact, but these wily people were quite capable of squirming their way around me, and if accidentally they did make eye contact, a quick "ring tone (a term the natives have used" of Circle Circle Dot Dot allowed them to break that eye contact and pretend that we never made contact in the first place.

I realize that it may be difficult to integrate myself into the affairs of the native population as I attempt to study them for the posterity of future analysis.

Day 2: After Mubutoo prepared my breakfast feast, I decided to venture into this wilderness the natives call "Seoul", which I believe was named after the god Seoul, which must be a great deity of South Korean prominence. I also find myself musing on the fact that the people seem so inclined to call themselves the "south" yet I have yet to see southern influences, such as Georgian hairstyles or breakfast items that resemble grits or items that can be found on the bargain menu of the Waffle House. No, they appear to desire to call themselves the "south" for reasons that escape me, yet I find that it is one of those exotic puzzles to which I find myself absorbed and enthralled during my adventure.

As I walked down the streets of this strange village with bizarre writing, I often find myself staring at this writing and wonder if it actually has meaning, or if it is just random scribbles that the naive natives have put up to indicate a possible language to the outsiders who might visit. My attempts to find a translator of these bizarre symbols has been thwarted at every attempt, and even Mubutoo's vast knowledge of many languages, which include English, American, Southern American, Valley Girl and Brooklyn accent, has not managed to help break through the confusion of this scribbly-like language.

As I turned the corner, I saw what appeared to be a restaurant with some type of religious reference to it. I should point out that I have begun to suspect that all of the writing that I have seen is religious in origin, indicating that every store and restaurant must be controlled by the clergy of this foreign land. This establishment, however, appeared much more prominent than others, and it was adorned with a sign that resembled a large golden M. I could only imagine its significance to the daily life of these people, but I went inside, and I conversed with the young females who stood behind what appeared to be a large counter with an ancient adding machine. The young girl said something in her strange language, to which I did not understand. Mubutoo attempted to speak Valley Girl to her, as she was holding a similar cell phone-looking item in her hands and giggling into it before we approached her position. But she was not intelligent enough to understand the brilliant Mubutoo.

Then she pointed at a picture of what appeared to be food. I nodded yes, and discovered that a nod was the universal acknowledgement of "yes, I'll take the Big Mac on the picture up there". She then revealed that the compensation for this food item would be a certain amount of local currency. Having no bones upon my being nor golden nuggets to exchange, Mubutoo stepped forward and gave several pieces of paper with numbers on them to this young woman, and then we were presented with an appropriate exchange of food.

The many people in the M restaurant stared at us with curiosity. It was obvious that they were interested if the rumors were true of our enhanced manhood, and while it was probably inappropriate, I showed them all that the rumors were in fact true. In awe, none of the people in the M restaurant continued staring at us anymore. Their fear was understandable.

Day 3: My next jaunt through the mystic land of Seoul was to find me in yet another local establishment that I had to experience, just to be able to tell my breathren of such findings. This place actually had what the natives call "Romanji" writing, which I have come to believe means English writing. The Romanji spelled out a nonsensical word called "Starbucks". Mubutoo and I went into this shop and discovered that a great deal of gods are worshipped here and represented by different styles of drinks. I could not read what the different drinks were, but wanting to honor one of these gods, I pointed at the board and ordered one of those drinks. Surprisingly, my drink tasted much like a vanilla bean frappucino with carmel flavoring. I wondered what god I was praising my drinking of this particular drink.

Upon returning home, I felt that I have uncovered many parts of this new land that future explorers can only possibly try to rival. And my adventure is far from finished. Tomorrow, Mubutoo and I intend to explore two native locations we have heard great things of. One is called "The Pizza Hut", and the other is called "Subway". For those wishing to embark on such great adventures, it is important to leave your old ways behind and do what is called going completely native, as I have done. Otherwise, you never learn anything about your new surroundings.

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