Someone forgot to tell our country the Cold War is over

Years and years ago, when I was in my early twenties, I went through what is called a special background investigation. It's one of those things where they really dig deep into your past to find out if you've ever been a commie before. That was back during the Cold War. There was a reason to fear special agents might be working for the "evil" commies. But back then, I barely had time to live my life yet, so my investigation went pretty quick like.

Well, fast forward a few decades, and oh my goodness....

Well, I'm undergoing the same kind of background investigation, but let's just say that having lived a life, the microscope I find myself under is quite "interesting". First off, my foreign friends who I knew at Western Michigan University were "obviously" only close to me because they were after my knowledge of the secret recipe to New Coca-Cola and the 13th ingredient of Kentucky Fried Chicken's recipe. My summer trip to Prague AFTER THE COLD WAR was definitely of "concern" and we had to see if we could find someone who could verify that I was not running off and seeking out my commie contacts who were taking my secrets that I was pilfering from WMU's secret counterterrorism program. And I think I've discovered that all the foreign women I knew were only getting close to me so they could use their feminine wiles to have me reveal the secret location of where we discovered the radioactive element that makes up yogurt. So, for the record, I just want to know why all the foreign women that were using their feminine wiles on me to get my secrets: WHY DIDN'T YOU USE YOUR FEMININE WILES ON ME? It's just not fair. I would have given you my secrets. Really. As a matter of fact, I still will. Call. Operators are standing by.

I took my car in for servicing today, and it cost me...wait...hold for it...$300. It always costs me $300. I have the ultimate $300 service car. It never costs me $52 or $783. It always costs me an average of $300. Anyway, they tell me the car feels ready to make the trip. That's why I love Saturn service. They put your car through therapy to find out if the car really wants to make the trip. So far, they haven't recommended group therapy for me and my good pal.

I still haven't completely figured out how I'm going to get all my stuff to Stockton. I'm still thinking of doing a mixture of US media mail and Fed Ex ground. The more I think about it, the more I think I may just do everything Fed Ex and pick up the few extra hundred bucks I'll have to shell out to do it. I'm not sure I'm really comfortable lugging tons of boxes to the post office. I guess I'll have to verify that Fed Ex will pick up my boxes first.

Anyway, a few days left. I leave on Saturday. I sold my futon today (sorry, Melanie, you and your evil East German ways will never get to sit on our favorite futon again :) ). Everything else is moving out of the apartment slowly but surely.

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